My life always has and always will be - to a certain degree - an open book. I am the type of person who talks about my feelings , whether it be to my family , friends or partner - I cant keep what im feeling supressed inside and this is why I have chosen to write the following. My mother told me that she's been printing off all of these posts and that one day I should make it a book , if this is to happen then it seems only right that I speak about one of the most important chapters of my life or rather the chapter of my life that has closed. 2 months ago Ben and I broke up. Wow. Even writing that down was harder than I imagined. Its not fair to blame any single person. To write a list of faults , wrong doings or list the bad times. No one is perfect and there are always two people in a relationship. Some of you i've told and some of you I haven't , to be fair its taken me a bit of time to actually come to the realisation of what has happened or what is happening. To actually say it out loud meant it was really happening and two months ago it was something I was not prepared to do. The thing about a break up is that, after 2 years of spending your life with someone, not just someone, 'the-one' - this person becomes not only your life, your love , your lover , your confidant , your carer , the one you care for but at the heart of the matter they become your best friend, your soul mate (for those of you who believe in this term).
When your world is crashing down there arms seem like the safest place in the world, a silent assurance that everything is going to be ok. I think that has been the hardest part of this , losing my best friend. Of course break ups come with the standard after-effects. Crying. Not eating followed by eating lots of junk food. More Crying - sometimes at unexpected times, for example while shopping at Zara at the reaction of hearing a song that reminds you of them. Then there's the Alcohol. Followed by more alcohol. Nights out dancing with girlfriends which will more than likely involve kissing boys you dont know just to try prove to yourself that you can infact move on. You get your hair cut and colored and buy that t shirt you've wanted for ages , only to refund it because it just doesnt seem as good as you thought it was - a pure sign of your current state of indecisive emotions. You watch too many episodes of Sex & the City and it seems like every where you go the radio is playing songs that remind you of them and suddenly every where you look there are loved up couples holding hands. I'm sure any and all break ups are bad , then again I think it depends on how much you loved the person (or if you loved them at all) and perhaps how it ended, but when its your first love, your first boyfriend, the first boy you bought home to your parents, the first boy you introduced to your best friend, the first boy you took to easter at your grandparents - the old-school-wog-grandparents you never thought would accept you and him. the first boy you taught to dance serbian 'kolo' and say 'kako si' and 'laku noch', learn to pronounce your family's name properly and introduce a love of vegeta, chevapi and 
sarma to. The first boy your brother sits down and says 'i want you guys to get married and have kids'. The first time you ever said 'I love you' to anyone and the first time someones said it to you. The first time you realised that 'making love' really does exist and that falling asleep in his arms to the sound of his heartbeat is the greatest feeling you've ever felt - these things make a break up harder than ever. To be in a relationship you open up your heart and really allow yourself to feel things you've never felt, fully knowing there is always the possibility you could get hurt, yet you go ahead and dive in head first and it shakes you to your core. The last 2 years , though at times they've been harder than anything i've ever felt, have been 2 of the best years of my life. Love, though painful it can be, is the most beautiful thing in the world. Through this relationship I've learnt alot about myself and about life in general , but I think more than anything I will say this - a relationship can not work without honesty. No matter how much you think the truth may hurt, without honesty there can be no real foundation to a lasting relationship. The second one starts to lie is the second you send your relationship into a negative spiral. However I guess these are the things everyone goes through and thats just life - such a small word with such complicating prospects. After all the tears , sleepless nights and constant questions of why? how? - I will come out of this a stronger person. Life is one big lesson and we constantly learn along the way. No one knows what the future holds and for once I need to let life take its course and see what possibilities it brings. Ben Wilson will always hold an extremley dear place in my heart, though your friends will tell you to 'fucking get over him and move on' all these words are easier said than done - it is true , people need to move on but it happens with time but I wont sit here and say I hate him because that would be a lie. I will forever cherish the 2 years we shared and try take as much of the positive out of it as I can. However, as one chapter closes another shall open - as they say , whatever that chapter holds is a mystery to me, but I look forward to finding out and will keep you posted along the way xoxo Denip.s I will close with the following picture. Its my favorite picture of Ben and I and it will always be one of my favorite memories, a perfect night I will never forget, a time when two people loved each other more than anything in this world and for a moment everything else stood still and it felt like they were the only 2 people in the world. That is how love should feel - every day!
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